Art of saying NO

Speaking for myself here, I tend to agree upon things sometimes and really end up with having no bandwidth to do the task. It may be a favour or may be something that you own and have to end up giving it to the other. Be it at work or home or social circle it just takes a NO sometimes that can be your savior. But when it comes to the Gen X or Gen Y, i.e our kids generation, I mostly see that the kids say NO when they have to. They are sharing only to a certain extent. They are so choosy about what they want to do at a very young age. They know who can give you what at what times and how to achieve it. But I was proven wrong when it came to Tiny. She does all the above at home and does make her brother Little dance to her tunes. When it comes to her friends, I swear the scene changes totally.

Example 1:
In our apartment complex, she has tons of friends who actually come home take her new cycle to go cycling. Sometimes they are in the learning phase, but they still use her cycle. Not only that I see Tiny riding some of their old bikes. I ask her why and she says, "Amma but she is my friend...". So.... Why can't you say no?? or just give it for a few minutes and take it back. But that never happens.

Example 2:
She gets a new pair of slippers. A friend of hers has an exact similar pair like hers but may be a little used. The friend of hers comes with an idea of exchanging slippers and they do that. Few days later she needs a new pair again because it looks old and all worn out.

Now my thought is that parents(of the said kids) in the complex all seem to be affordable and easily buy bikes and slippers or things like that. It is not that they cannot. But what upsets me is why my girl has to be so submissive with her friends and do whatever necessary to please them. In general i am trying to teach her in a way i can coax her and also not make her feel bad about anything she has done. I also do not want her to stop sharing and behave like a closed wardrobe. Just that she should learn the art of saying No when she is supposed to.

What do you do when......

All parents and mostly moms wish to spend more time with their kiddos. Sometimes it might be just talking and whiling away time or sometimes it may be playing an indoor or outdoor game. Basically to reach an end to anything there ought to be a quarrel between the siblings. It was one such time. I had to ask Tiny to watch POGO. I lead Little to the bedroom since it was time for his afternoon fiesta. I was trying to shift the topic and telling him about where I had gone that morning leaving them (Tiny and Little) at home with my parents. So this was how it went:

Me: Little I met this friend X (Tiny's friend) at the Godh Bharai [baby shower function]. She was asking for you and Tiny.
Little: After a ten second pause... Amma, Does she like me???
A little perplexed look later She kissed me the other day amma.

A dumb struck mom does not know how to react...

That same evening:

Tiny: Amma, you know B (a boy) wrote a love letter to R (girl) (both are her classmates)
Me: Haan
Tiny : Repeating herself
Me: What is a love letter??? Tiny do you know??
Tiny: You know he had actually written "I love you" after taring a sheet from the English copy book.

I just had to go around looking for a rope...

And No we hardly watch any movies or things of that sort along with the kids.

Learning Cycle Saga

I learnt cycling only when i was in 8th grade. The cycle i learnt from was my cousin's (boy's) cycle all the more. Fell in the ditch and what not and finally got to cycling. Parents bought me a new cycle started to go to school in the same. 3-4 years down the line, i was promoted to a luna then scooty. I then took the car driving classes but never made an effort driving it. I was comfortable driving the car in the US till we were there. We moved back and i was shit scared to get back to driving a 2 or a 4 wheeler. What with no traffic rules followed and the amount of public conveyances that are available, there was no motivation to get behind the wheels. Now let me not disgress too much, but that was my story. Till date i have not started riding any.

But like any mom, I want the kids to be bold and all that. I started them on cycles and Tiny being herself got rid of the side wheels on her cycle at the age of 6. She was all set. Little all of 4.5 now did not want to ride the cycle without side wheels. He stopped taking the cycle out once the side wheels were removed from his. And then on the screaming, the scolding did not help much. He was scared all the more. I thought to myself that may be he needs more time. There is no point in yelling at a 4+ year old when his mom cannot have the guts to drive the car. So all i did was to settle down and talk to friends in the evening during play time and give up teaching him to drive cycles without side wheels. And there he goes, my friend pointed out "Look there he is driving so well and using the brake too when needed. " I was just too happy not knowing what to say.

However i deeply thought how cool that he could drive on his own and why on earth was i behind him nagging him so much. I had this convo with my little boy:

Me: Little, that was good, you made me proud.
Little : Amma you happy now???
Me: Yes Kanna (baby in tamil)
Little: So will you buy me a new cycle??
Me: Already?? May be you should learn well on this and then get a new cycle.
Little: But Tiny got a new one so i need one too. [Tiny got a new cycle for her birthday in November]
Me: Rolls eyes and my friends that was the motivation behind Little learning the cycle.

Convo between Tiny & Little

I am with the kids who talk more and study less. Especially getting their homework done is a big deal, forget studies, that happens only once in a blue moon.
Tiny is going to be 7 and Little is 4.5 years.

Little: O is for Oxygen, he meant to say Ostrich
Tiny: You mad, O is for Olympiad
Me: Tiny, How can he understand what olympiad is? You should point to an object and tell him starting with O.
Tiny: But amma, how does he know oxygen when he does not even see it.
Me: (Does she know where oxygen is? so checking)So where is oxygen Tiny??
Tiny: In the air...

Me: wondering where she gathered this chemistry from ;))

Edited to Add:

Many of my pregnant friends that Little has noticed with a bulging tummy. He asked me a couple of times and understood that when babies are made in mommy's stomach it bulges out. So this morning giving him a bath, he stood protruding his tummy out (kind of convex shaped) to which i asked him:

Me: Do you have a baby in? Why are you standing like that??
Him: No Baby. Only Tiny will have a baby..... before i could digest that he says after she grows big.

Passport to a healthy Pregnancy

This is my first entry in the WW contest. I so love the topic. Thanks WW for giving me a chance. Here is my entry.

It was 3+ years that we were married and working and things were going ok. Hubby wanted to make a surprise trip to India to meet his parents. Little did he know that there was a surprise waiting on him. A week after he left to India, when my monthly cycle did not show up, I took a quick trip to the gynae. The gynae who was around 50's was a jovial and light hearted doc and had tonnes of desi patients coming to him. I was briefed about him by my desi friends. A day later the blood test results were out and Yes I was pregnant. All overjoyed, called the hubby who in turn promised to tell both sets of parents.
A week or two later, the gynae calls up to say that the detailed blood analysis reports are out. I would need to visit him urgently. After a little questioning from my side, he said that my thyroid levels have been low and i need to be on medication immediately, else i might miscarry. The moment i heard the dreaded word miscarry, i just told my team lead and left work. Doc had already ordered for the medication at the nearest walgreens pharmacy. He explained to me the consequences and i went to the pharmacy to pick up. There has never been a day that i forgot to take this medication during pregnancy along with the pre natal vitamins.
For one i noticed, the doc would give you all his time in the world for any questions on every check up. Curiousity sometimes drives one up the wall. I would google up to find answers and try and confirm with the doc on the next checkup. He realised this and the next checkup asked me "So what does the internet have to say?" I was taken aback but he was joking. He said never confuse yourself reading too much and never be ignorant either.
My first one was a small baby a 5+ pounder and when he got the baby out during delivery, he said "She is a peanut can i put her back in again??" Maan that was painful but he almost kept the whole process lively and going. The one thing i noticed was he was always available for me and mentioned to have trust in myself and the doc and everything would be fine. Again post delivery (1st and 2nd babies), I was low on breast milk and had to supplement it with formula. I wondered, why it is always me and i know my friends who had babies at the same time were able to fully nourish their kids without any formula and for almost close to a year. This is when i felt guilt struck and asked the doc. All he said, just respect your body for all it did and please do not blame yourself for it. Each body can process things differently so accept it.

Going back in time, i loved the whole process of pregnancy, delivery and postpartum. Delivery though was normal was pretty painful both the times just that one was long and the other was short but pain is pain and does not make a difference.So for me what worked out was finding the right gynae and trusting him/her and respecting one's body.

School Season starts and the drama unfolds

So it was a short 15 day vacation for the kids. We did the most of it or atleast I think. We went on 4 day trips to Coorg and Pondicherry. Did a lot of sight seeing and looking around. Stayed in resorts, had fun swimming, playing at the beach, visited a wildlife sanctuary, birthplace of river Kaveri etc. Today kids are back at school. Yesterday night I had to cut their nails, one thing is that the schools follow strict discipline in this aspect and second is that the nails were real shabby what with all the painting and coloring done in the holidays. There is a lot of resistance to this activity, so much that, I just have to hold each one tight and cut the nails. Seriously a big effort. I somehow got Tiny's nails cut. Now it was the turn of the little guy. After lot of fuss we got the finger nails cut. He was not in for the toes. Here goes the conversation between myself and him:
Me: Mam will check your nails tomorrow and if you do not cut it, she might check you out of the class.
Little: That is why I have cut my finger nails no..
Me: How about toe nails????
Little: To check my toe nails she will have to remove my shoes/socks and tie it back as well. So she will not do that.
This boy all of 4.5 has grown so arrogant, I run short of where to start.

I confess i am guilty

MNIAmma tagged me to write about my guilt trips. Sure it comes as a part of mommydom.

According to the tag, I have to

1.Write about 2 instances where you have put yourself before your child/ children… been a wee bit selfish.
2.How did you feel? Did you feel a pang of guilt or were you comfortable?
3.Tag 2 more moms

1)Work is one thing that takes most of my day.I have 1.5 hour commute each way and by the time i reach home they are off from school and all that. When i work from home or have taken a day off, I try and get the kids from the bus stop and we have stories to tell each other. We eat something and freshen up and we go down to play in the complex most evenings. While we moms chit chat, kids are playing around. Some days I take her to attend classes if she has any for the day like swimming/drawing and then come back home.Otherwise we go skating or cycling round the complex.I walk with her. She just loves that and tells me to quit my job and be there for her all the time. Do i need to say more? The mom in me is never convinced but i try to convince the little sweetheart somehow. Though i love being home for the kids, I always run blank when they are off to school. Always a dilemma between SAHM or working mom.

2)I am a real monster with the kids at times. Blame it on temper, stress (work related or otherwise), commute and so on. There are times when the kids end up fighting and you are on a work related call and the husband has not yet returned from work. I loose cool and yell like mad. Later on when they are fast asleep, tears well up and i tell myself that they are my world and why did i have to do this. Seriously need some meditation or yoga tips to cool my mind off. I just hope that the kids never inherit my temper.


Now my turn to tag the other moms to write about their guilt trips:
I tag Aparna
and Swati
Not sure if you guys have already done this.

Six Year old says

These days there has been a lot of times that I gasp at what the kids say. I ask myself how they understand or learnt this or what made them tell this to me.

It was one of the monthly test times. We were revising a Hindi lesson bulbul ke bachhe (nightingale's kids). It is about how 2 kids who see a nest in their backyard one day with four eggs in it. A few days later they hatch, then learn to hop and fall down. Mother bird feeds them long worms that she gets in her beak and then they grow and one day fly away. We are doing the Questions and Answers from this lesson...

This was our convo:
Me: Why did the kids feel bad at the end?(in hindi)
Actual answer is: Kids saw an empty nest and felt really bad that the little birds had learnt to fly and flew away.
Tiny: Amma, the kids loved the birds so much that they wanted to get married to them.

Another Situation

Myself and kids visit my parents place during the weekend. Most of the times hubby drops us down near the gate and leaves either he has something pending to be done or he is on a call or something unintentional came up.

Little: Amma, Why does Appa not come to Paati's (grandmom's) house?
Myself: He has some work baby, so he will come later.
Still not convinced..
Little: Does he not like thatha paati (grand dad and grand mom)?
LOL, why do they arrive at such conclusions???

Fancy Dress Competition and Little Tiny Bits

I only have a little of unclear image of how i had taken part in a fancy dress competition wearing mom's saree tied in a typical south indian style (guess they call it madisar). This was way long long back may be in my kindergarten years. But forward it to now, Little has a fancy dress competition at school and he is so so excited about it. The school says that we are not supposed to rent any costumes and no dialogues would be allowed. Here goes our conversation:
Me: Little what would you like to be?
Little: I will be Mickey Mouse.
Me: Ok
Little: (an hour later)I will be Laxman. (showing off his bow and arrow the plastic kinds)
Me: Ok
Another hour later
Little: Amma Can i be Chota Bheem?
Me: Ok
Tiny tells him that he acts like a monkey and so he has to be Hanuman and not anything else.
Little: Amma, I want to be Hanuman,I like to have a tail behind.
Me: Tell me one thing Little that you would like to be,so I can get prepared to dress you up.

I had a release at work and thus was coming home late for a week or so. Grandparents are home to take care of them.But grandparents love watching the soaps on TV and evenings are their time to relax in front of the TV.
Tiny: Amma, you have also become like Appa. You come late evryday
Me: Had work to complete and if i do not get it done, my manager like your mam will take me to task.
Little: But you should come home early.
Me: Ok. But you could have gone down and played with your friends from 5-7pm right??
Little: This thatha (grand father) does not take me down at all. He always watches TV. He has got specs (meaning spectacles) that is why.
Me: Shocked, can you say like this to your grandparents??
Tiny: So when are you leaving your job? You always tell but never do..
Mother in me runs to the kids and the career woman in me is thrown out of myself.

Convo between me and Little
Little loves his friend let us call him L. He sits next to him on the bus and L gets him a chocolate when he gets an extra. Not sure what all this sharing is about, but they have become good friends.
Little boards the bus, i bid him bye and move to my bus stop. Everyday is the same and the third day he asks me:
Little: Amma, you should say by to L as well today. Why don't you say Bye to him??
Me: Sure Why not? Who else are your friends?
Little:(names another friend) A
Me: Ok so do you have any girl friends (becos he named only boys)
Little: Yes, Her name is Shurpanaka...She scares us all and I box her sometimes.

Not believing that anyone would have a name like this, I figured out, she must be an Ayamma who might have mentioned her name as Shurpanaka. Just to scare the kids when they do mischief.